Getting to the Big O: A Little Learning Can Go a Long Way

Nearly all men climax during sex without difficulty; however this is not always the case for millions of women. For some it may even SEEM impossible, especially for the less experienced. In movies and books, the female orgasm is often portrayed as effortless and wildly pleasurable, but for many women this is just not the case. These women may feel alone or that there is something wrong with them, or that they are frigid if they can’t climax at will or on cue. This situation is more common than most people realize and it can be very important to the women and their partners who have this experience.

Less than a generation ago many medical professionals believed some women were simply incapable of reaching orgasm by any means. Even in the twenty-first century, few doctors are trained in sexual responsiveness. Most approach the subject from a purely medical standpoint, despite the fact that more often than not it is not a “medical” problem. Most don’t attempt to provide any real answers for women with sexual difficulties. So, what is a woman to do?   Unfortunately most of them suffer in silence. They are either too embarrassed to seek answers or they simple decide to cope with their situation. Many decide at an early age that sex is just not for them or if they have a partner, they accept sex as a chore they simply have to “take care of.” Others may enjoy certain aspects of the sexual experience but never experience a full, satisfying orgasm. Surprisingly, some don’t even know they are in-orgasmic — they enjoy sex to some degree and don’t realize they could be enjoying it more.

Thankfully, more accurate information is becoming available. It is now believed that virtually every woman can achieve an orgasm or even multiple orgasms under the right circumstances. This is an important point. Very few women are physically incapable of achieving orgasm. Physical aides such as vibrators, sex toys and lubricants are more accessible and accepted and can be of great help to a woman wanting to learn what type of stimulation she needs and where she needs it to achieve orgasm. Other women can obtain proper counseling to help them deal with the psychological barriers they may have. The stigma of having sexual difficulties is slowly fading away.

What causes women to have a difficult time achieving an orgasm?

The answer to this question can be complex. Most women actually need to LEARN how to have an orgasm, especially in the early stages of their sexual development. Research has shown that most women don’t have an orgasm in the first few attempts. They need to literally “get in touch” with that part of their body. Many women never learn to masturbate. For some reason it never occurred to them that it might be “perfectly OK” or they have a religious issue or previously instilled belief that it is wrong, so they don’t “touch themselves like that.”   Many people in our society still think a woman shouldn’t enjoy sex. Many of our cultural systems don’t approve of masturbation even though it is probably the best way for a woman to teach herself how to reach orgasm. Once a woman has been able to bring herself to orgasm, she knows what it feels like and can more easily reach that state again, either with a partner or without.

Masturbation doesn’t always result in the desired orgasm. Part of the problem may stem from the location of the pleasure spot. Most women can’t just look down and see the different “features” of her sexual anatomy. They need a mirror to locate the areas they may not be in touch with yet. To achieve orgasm, most women need some type of clitoral stimulation. Many women have a difficult time even finding their OWN clitoris and it should be no surprise that their partner may have a challenge finding it, especially with a new or inexperienced partner. When a women locates the area that is most responsive she then has to figure out how to stimulate her clitoris in a way that will bring her to climax. Each woman is somewhat different in this regard. One type of stimulation will work at times and another type will work at other times. Very often this is the case in the same session. She may like light gentle touching in the beginning and then more vigorous stimulation as her excitement builds. She may enjoy stimulation of the clitoral shaft rather than direct contact to the clitoral head. She may like stimulation to the vagina rather than the clitoris, although this seems to be less likely. The different locations of effective stimulation can be varied.

A woman’s emotional state may play a much larger role in her sexual responsiveness than most people — especially men — realize. Very often a woman will have certain emotional blocks or negative perceptions that will prevent her from achieving orgasm. This may appear as unreasonable shame or embarrassment. It may be a lack of trust in sharing such an intimate experience with their partner. They may have moral or religious issues.

It is now evident that women have different emotional needs that may determine whether they achieve an orgasm or determine the intensity of the orgasm. She may not be comfortable with her body image — she may believe she is not attractive enough or that she is too skinny or too fat or that her breasts are not perfect enough. The list of negative body images is virtually endless and there is a good chance it will affect her pleasure during sex. Our culture places so much emphasis on external beauty that it doesn’t take much for a woman to believe she has an inferior body. These feelings of inadequacy or inferiority are killers when it comes time for a woman to have an orgasm. It doesn’t take much of a distraction to inhibit an orgasm. Orgasms can be illusive and sometimes simply thinking about having an orgasm can be enough to stop one.

I’m sure this isn’t a surprise to most, but males aren’t born knowing how to bring a woman to orgasm. First, they obviously don’t have the same body parts, so they are unfamiliar with what is desired of them. Their first few sexual encounters are generally awkward or puzzling. Unless someone has shown them how to help a women come to orgasm, they are naturally inept. Often they have to discover what they don’t know on their own, through experience — trial and error. In fact the whole process can be quite puzzling and mysterious, especially if the woman he is with is not all that experienced either. This is why it is important that a woman help her partner learn what she wants or needs in the way of stimulation. Men are not generally good mind readers, but most of them do want to please. So, a little instruction is a good thing. If they aren’t interested, then you probably want to get rid of them anyway. As with most human problems, good open communication is the best way to help with these issues. It may not always work, but it will never work if it isn’t tried.

2017-05-13T22:33:59+00:00